Archive for July, 2015

monday yuck

So I’m not feeling so great. Who do I think I’m kidding when I think I can eat a pizza and and ice cream cone (even though both were small) and still feel good the next day? Heck, the next day? Try last night. I woke up around 12:30 with my throat dry and hurting, which means that even with the CPAP machine (have I mentioned that?), I had probably been snoring pretty well. The rest of the night was restless as well. So today, I’m not feeling so hot. Then again, I can’t remember the last time I was feeling really good.

You really start to wonder if you will ever feel good again in your life. I mean good, not just better some days than others. Seems more likely that I’ll only have mediocre days, worse days and really bad days. And that’s the optimist in me talking.

a little lonely

Friday, my son told my wife that he was going to be out here with his fiancée on Sunday for a “thing” with friends late in the day, and asked if my wife and I would like to get together with them for breakfast. Late yesterday, a spate of texting (more on that in another post) between my son and my wife turned breakfast into lunch. That was fine with me as I had no set plans for the day and I was looking forward to getting together with my wife, son and his fiancée.

So today I got all the stuff done early that I needed to get done for the day. It was about an hour before I would have to leave home to pick up my wife at her house in order to meet at the restaurant, when my phone rang. It was my son saying that their car had a flat tire and that the tire was so worn that the tire shop wouldn’t repair it. Indeed, he admitted, they had been kind of stretching things a bit and knew that all four tires needed replacing. So today was the day that was going to happen, but it meant that our plans to get together were off.

I was disappointed, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. I thought that maybe my wife would still like to go out for lunch and, I thought, maybe go see a movie. I called her at home but she wasn’t there. When I called a short time later she had just gotten back from shopping with the guy living with her (as a friend) and they apparently had just brought lunch home with them. And, to tell the truth, it sounded like she was glad to be home. Oh well.

So yeah, I was a bit disappointed.

Around eight o’clock I went out for an ice cream cone (I know, I know – it is NOT on my diet, but then again neither was the pizza I had this afternoon). The evening was pretty nice out. The day had cooled off and it was a nice summer evening. As I drove to Burger King for the cone (they have them cheap) I went by homes with people sitting out visiting. It sure felt lonely going out for that ice cream cone all by myself.

I guess I need to find some friends. Not sure how to do that, since I’ve never had many friends, but I think that one might be less likely to be lonely if one had more options to socialize. Ha! Who am I kidding? Ain’t gonna happen. As amusing as it is to fantasize about such things, I know myself. I can’t see myself changing that much.

At least I have family that I can socialize with, as long as they don’t get a flat tire.

one small step for fattie

Finally, I hit the mark. Got up early today. Decided to weigh myself. I usually weigh myself Saturday morning anyways. Weight was 299.8 pounds. Damn. It’s under 300 pounds, but just barely, and so little under that I just couldn’t come to call my weight to be under 300.

However, mornings are pee time. After a couple more unloadings, I decided to weigh myself again. This time it was a solid 299.0 pounds. I have met my first, and very important, goal – I broke 300 pounds.

300 pounds. It sounds like such an unbelievable weight to be, but I’ve been easily staying above 300 for some time now. I am really happy to be able to say I now weigh less than 300 pounds. The thing is that it comes off so slowly, but seems to sneak back on as soon as your back is turned. The price of maintaining your weight is constant vigilance, at least it is for me. I wish I were one of those people who can eat anything and not gain any weight, but such is not my lot in life.

I still have a long way to go to where I want to be. Ideally that is around 225 or so. I kind of doubt I will get there, but even if I can just manage to get it down to 250 I will be thrilled. So it’s stay the course and, when I stray, get back on the course. I think I can manage it for a while longer.

vision from the past

On weekends I very often go to a local park to eat my breakfast. There is a small lake there, popular with fishermen and Canada geese. It’s a peaceful place to spend a bit of my morning and a pleasant way to start my day.

I usually just sit in my car, eating my breakfast and reading whatever I brought along to read, though I do occasionally sit at a picnic table or take a walk around the lake (a bit tedious with a bad knee). This morning I was in my car reading and happened to look up to see a woman with a camera walking along the edge of the lake nearest me. She was wandering among the rushes and weeds along the shore, taking pictures, I can only assume, of bugs, dragonflies, flowers, etc.

It was almost as though the universe decided to play back for me a bit of my recent history. This same scene was one I had lived almost ten years ago. My sweetie loved taking pictures of nature, in particular the same subjects that appeared to fascinate the woman I was watching. She was even about the same shape, size and hair color as my sweetie had been at that time.

It took me by surprise and brought a few tears to my eyes, along with sighs of resignation. How sad that she can no longer take pleasure in her photographic pastime, or any other pastime for that matter. It kindled in me, once again, a great sense of loss, to know that I will never see her holding her camera again.

It’s been over a year since she has passed, though, and although I miss her all the time and have bouts of wishing it were not so, I have started to adapt to her absence. I was able to sit and enjoy watching the woman taking pictures and be grateful for the memories it elicited. Indeed, I almost wanted to go over to her and thank her, but it would have spoiled the mood, and would probably have caused her to break out the pepper spray.

After a bit I went back to reading and when I looked up a short time later, the woman was gone. I had neither seen where she had come from nor where she went to, so who knows? Maybe it was my sweetie making a guest appearance just to keep me thinking of her. (And no, I don’t really believe that, but it’s a happy fantasy.)

Rather than turn my day into a pity party, it made me think about how we should all be doing what we enjoy doing . . . now! Be grateful for the time you have and don’t waste it on stuff that doesn’t matter. It was a good beginning for the day.

bookmark: the einstein prophecy

The Einstein Prophecy – Robert Masello

This was one of the most enjoyable books I’ve read in some time. I felt that the plot was rather simplistic and it didn’t take much to see the events behind the foreshadowing, but the author’s style was very appealing to me.

Though the book is fictional, it wove the tale around several real-life personalities, in particular, Albert Einstein. Mr. Masello obviously did his research well and captured a sense of Einstein’s personal side that revealed something more than just the E=mc2 side of him we are familiar with. I have had the Einstein biography by Walter Isaacson sitting on my bookshelf for some time now, intending to crack it open when I was in the mood. Reading The Einstein Prophecy put me into that mood. While I know that I will not find the totality of the fictional Einstein in the biography, I am sure that I will enjoy it nonetheless.

If you are looking for an entertaining summer book, this is it. Part supernatural, part science, part romance, part character study, it is very satisfying. I enjoyed reading it so much that I’ll look at this author’s other work, too. It’s always nice to find an author you would like to explore further.

(Finished 7/16/15)

How To Succeed At Aging Without Really Dying – Lyla Blake Ward

Sounds like a self-help book, doesn’t it? Ah, how easily we are led astray. Nothing of the sort, really. It’s more a collection of essays about the author’s experiences and attitudes towards getting old. This is not to say that I was disappointed it wasn’t self-help. Actually, I don’t think any self-help book on aging would excite me, mainly because getting older pretty much sucks, and no one is going to convince me otherwise.

An easy book to read, particularly if you do like I do and read during lunch at work. I enjoy the ability to read one essay each lunch without having to break in the middle of a “chapter” to go back to work. It would probably be a good bathroom book, too, if you’re so inclined.

While almost anyone who is older can relate to the experiences Lyla Blake Ward writes about, she does it with a light touch and an occasional rib tickler. While not a “must read” book, it was worth the price I paid for it.

(Finished 7/2/15)