Archive for August, 2014

3 months & counting

It’s been three months since my sweetie died. I find my perspective skewed. At the same time, three months is so long ago and yet such a short time ago – a lifetime ago and just yesterday.

I have had to recreate my life but, quite honestly, I have not been successful in doing so. We used to laugh about getting sidetracked all the time. We were great for it. Start something but then, in her words, “Oh, look, something shiny,” and off you go in a different direction. Missing her so much sidetracks me constantly. I go to do something and suddenly I find myself thinking of her, getting sidetracked in sorrow and longing.

More time may help, but I’m starting to doubt it. Perhaps because of the fresh pain of my honey’s death, I find myself missing my parents even more, and they have been gone for some time now. I’m not sure that time is the cure one might hope it will be.

I guess I’m not dead yet, not physically at least. Perhaps there is still time to sort out my life. But maybe not. Makes me wonder whether I should bother or not. I guess one way or another, as long as I’m drawing breath, I have to. It’s just the way life works. Even deciding to just sit in a corner in perpetual sorrow is a lifestyle decision. I don’t think that’s the direction I want to take, but I sure am having a hell of a time figuring out an alternative.

back to life – kind of

It has been two months since my sweetie died. I have never felt so alone. Any plans that we had for the future were annihilated in an instant. It has taken me this long to even be able to write about it.

She and I were “together” for nine years. Unfortunately, most of that time was long distance. We only lived together in person for seven months during those nine years. I had planned on being with her this year again for another couple of weeks, but too late for that now.

Her health had not been good, and it wasn’t getting better – actually had little chance of getting better. Cancer isn’t the only thing that smoking can kill you with. Your lungs can just quit working, too. Still, this was unexpected. There was no sign that the end was this near at all. The only consolation I have is that she went the way she wanted to; with her mind intact, in her sleep, and suddenly. The same way I would like to go. I don’t believe in an afterlife, but maybe I will be surprised and find her waiting for me. I guess I can be allowed one philosophically inconsistent fantasy.

Now I am faced with the challenge of figuring out the rest of my life, however much there is left of that. Where do I go from here? What plans do I make now? I have been trying to figure out why I even need to keep living. I have no driving passion. I have nothing I feel I must do before I die. Indeed, my death would actually financially benefit some people and make their lives better.

Still, I’m not about to off myself just for them, and the fact that I believe this is the only life you get makes me somewhat reticent to just give it up. I need to find a direction and purpose. Getting up and going to work every day isn’t sufficient, though I have to admit it has been a bit of a blessing to be able to do so during my grieving. It gave me something to help keep my mind off of my loss, though there have been plenty of tears shed at my desk there, too.

So today is Saturday. I have a whole day to use as I wish. What do I do that will make me happy; that will make me feel that the day was worth living? I guess the first thing is to get up off my ass from in front of this computer and go out into the real world.

Breakfast sounds like a good start.