Archive for May, 2014


I cannot write more than this right now – my love, the most important person in my life, has died suddenly. I do not want this to be and keep asking the universe to “make it not so,” but I know the universe does not care. My heart is tearing in two but my pain is irrelevant. I can’t think beyond this moment of inconsolable sorrow.

another pointless worry

So today I was a mess. I had myself worked up into such a state worrying over what the doctor was going to tell me about my test results. I was nauseous all day and couldn’t even take my morning medication because I kept choking on the pills. Stress can do strange things to you.

And, of course, there was nothing in the results to warrant all that worrying. No unidentified masses, no immediate threats to my survival, just the worsening back problem that I had seen the doctor about in the first place. Strange how the news that your back is worse can be a relief.

Not that a bad back is anything to be happy about. Physical therapy is next on the list to learn how to strengthen my body to help deal with the problem. The doctor talked about possible solutions for the future if it gets worse, but I really do not want to even think about back surgery. I’ve known too many people who have had surgery that has either not helped in end or has even made the situation worse. As long as I can find a way to deal with the pain, I’ll live with it.

It really is painful to worry over your health, but as you get older it just goes with the territory. It is worse for some people than for others, but everyone deals with a body that won’t go on forever. That is a really hard fact to accept. Maybe not accepting it and fighting it is the way to live a happier, longer life, but I’m not there yet, if I’ll ever be.

another worry

This getting old shit is a real pain in the ass. Sigh.

So I’ve been having back pain, as well as a pain in my side about where the back pain would be if it moved to the right and around to the front. Mostly, though, I’ve been concerned about my back pain, which has been aggravated by some of the physical work I have been doing lately.

I thought that it would be a good idea to have it checked out by my doctor, so I made an appointment and after examining me he sent me down to get x-rays of my back. The results came back that I have an increased amount of disc compression (I guess I already had some) that would help explain the pain. The doctor wanted me to have an MRI of my back to further analyze the situation.

I had the MRI yesterday morning and when I got into work today I found that they had left a message on my phone to call them for the test results. Therein lies the rub – they won’t give me the test results over the phone – the doctor wants me to come in to discuss the results with me. Somehow, that just never seems like a good sign. The thing about an MRI is that it can find things other than the problem you were originally concerned about. I hope we haven’t opened a whole new can of worms.

Fortunately, I was able to schedule an appointment for tomorrow. At least if I am going to get bad news I’m not going to have to wait long for it. Still, in situations like this even a short wait is too long. The older we get, the more likely we will be having health issues, so I expect the worst. Given my nature and other recent developments, I find it hard anymore to “hope for the best.”