As people get older, they deal with that situation in many ways. One type of “senior citizen” ignores the fact that they are getting older, or do so as much as is practical. They continue to live as though they have many more productive years ahead of them. For example, the dream of starting a new business does not seem any more impossible for them than it did when they were in their twenties. They keep on the path they have always trod, moving forward without regard to their age.

Others become like those people. They have spent their lives living in conformity to a societal ideal into which they were most likely born. They worked their nine-to-five jobs, raised a family, bought a house, worked their way up in a company (reaching an earning plateau around the age of forty-eight), and finally reached retirement age. However, “retirement” to those people does not mean sitting around doing nothing. It means that they finally have the freedom to pursue their own dreams, which could be anything from travel to, again, starting their own business. They approach their old age as something to be exploited, a freedom well earned.

There is another group, similar to the second group of people who have lived their lives in conformity, but who look at old age not as a time of opportunity but as one of dead dreams, limitations, acceptance of a life that is far from the conditions of their youth, and imminent death. These people draw inwards and their vision narrows. Things become less and less possible. Unfortunately, this is often because of poor physical health and/or poor financial planning, but is also the result of the kind of thinking that sees the proverbial glass as half full, or more accurately, as having only a few drops left in it.

I regret I find myself relating more to that latter group than to the others. It is not that I wish to think and feel like that, or at least I hope that I don’t wish to think or feel that way. Sometimes I can’t help but think that I must somehow enjoy having such a pessimistic, negative view of my life, for why else would I have it? We are all faced with choices in how we live our lives and I don’t know why it should not be possible to decide for ourselves which approach to aging we will take.

This whole train of thought was spurred by a short ride through the “country” this morning. I often like to take a drive out around the local farms and rural areas. I consider myself fortunate that, though I live within a small city, I live close to these rural areas. When I drive by the farms and houses with acreage, I get pangs of regret over dreams unfulfilled of having a house in a rural area. I once wanted to have a small farm, then I wanted ten acres, and then five, and now a couple of acres would make me plenty happy. The likelihood of ever having that at any future point in my life is so exceedingly small now that I cannot help but feel defeated in that dream.

As I was thinking about that today, my first thought was, “Well, that’s just the way it is.” As older people we just have to learn to accept what we have, and not be wishing that it were some other way. The question that then came to mind was, “Why?” I will grant that acceptance is sometimes the way we have to go, when conditions develop that truly limit our choices. But if we are not suffering from those conditions, why is it that I – or “we” if you are with me on this – have to accept a life that is less than desirable and devoid of dreams? Why do we have to just wait out the rest of our lives with the sole goal being our final demise? Can we no longer have dreams and work towards them? Is it too late?

Perhaps I am mistaken that we actually have a choice in how we think and feel about our lives. I certainly would like to think that we make active choices, but more often it seems as though there is some little man inside me, guiding my life, over whom I have no control. Sometimes I want to kick his ass to the curb and get him out of my life, but I almost always yield to his quiet, insistent, little voice saying, “Don’t bother, it’s too late, give it up, it’s not worth it, you’re too old for that, your life is out of your control, you don’t really make the choices, just accept it all, sit down, and quit arguing with me. Life is over for you.”

Christ, I hate that little fucker.